I again woke up with stressful mind. I wanted to talk her. Hear her voice. I am needing so badly to hear her voice to talk my heart out with her.

I had been thinking that she doesn’t feel the same. She doesn’t miss me like I do. How can someone just stop talking to someone and be happy and cheerful. I feel distracted by her thoughts.

I miss her badly. I am writing all this while my standup is going on. I want to work hard and bring something better on the table and moreover better version of myself.

Few things have been biting and hitting my mind. With my eyes closed, my mind runs on 100% capacity and thinks about all has happened.

Few days, or months and my life has turned upside down.She did what she did in a way I wouldn’t have imagined. I am just left assuming what went wrong. what made her do this.

I am so a worthless guy. Did I say or do something so wrong. or somethings I should have done. that I didn’t do that has made all the difference.

It started as a long term relation. Because of her work, her exams, she was most of the time on her home. I know for this reason, I/We couldn’t get so much time to physically spend together., know each other that much. I have tried my best to use every opportunity I got to meet her and We did.

I confess every time we met we had limited time by our hand. I wanted to do everything with her — everything , laugh, joke around, relax, have deep conversations, roam and around the streets with her.Have some physical moments. The time didn’t allow everything to happen. I have many memories, fun moments attached to it. So many that I am trying to control the rush of flashbacks.

Because that happy moments are now just bringing me pain and distractions to my present.

my own good memories are hurting me. I never thought that for this happiness, I will have to pay so heavily. I never thought, I will not have you by my side when I achieve things and happiness to my life.

All these times when I was being made victim of office politics, time when I was my own victim of the pressure I developed considering future prospects, loans. She was my motivation, she was the one for whom. I got the energy to work for.

I thought, actually now when I emphasise on my past. I feared my being no one or a looser as I felt can/will be a reason that she distances herself from me.

Her plans for herself were big. I admired her decisiveness, I couldn’t take such bold decision which involved so much of investment and my parents mental peace.

May be her strong financial background, her family finances made her capable of thinking of becoming a ***.

I always wanted to do something different, so different and I wanted this so passionately that I even today can keep at stake whatever I have and whatever I could have because of this in future.

But somewhere, I thought I don’t want my family to suffer because of my decisions. They have been seeing and facing disappointments from so many sides.

I feel that Papa needed that satisfaction at that point in his life. Do not consider it my cowardliness to not take bold decisions. I knew my fathers limit. I have already seen him go through so much and he changed himself made himself so stubborn so that his goals of fulfilling my needs remain.